At the age of four, Joe was torn from the only father he had ever known. His mother told him he was a victim of abuse, warning her son that he was in danger of being kidnapped at any moment. Ten years after her death, Joe finally learned the harrowing truth about his childhood.
Leaving in the Night
In the middle of the night, 4-year-old Joe was shaken awake by his mother, frantically peering down at him in bed. She told him not to ask questions, grabbed their bags, and ushered him into the car. At the time, Joe’s father was recovering from a heart infection in the hospital. That was the last time Joe would ever set foot in his childhood home.
They Had to Get Out of There
As they drove through the night, Joe’s mother explained to him why they had to leave. She claimed it was for his safety. Joe’s father, she said, had molested him. Joe had no recollection of this happening. His mother told Joe this was to be expected; sexual abuse survivors tend to repress trauma. Confused and alone, Joe had no choice but to follow his mother across state lines.
Watchful Eye
As Joe and his mother settled into a new life hundreds of miles away, she constantly warned him to stay vigilant. Joe’s father or his friends could be lurking around any corner, waiting to kidnap him and take him back home.
The Paranoia Sets In
Joe’s mother convinced him that his father was waiting to steal him from elementary school, saying he had planted spies all over to keep tabs on him. Joe, increasingly paranoid, struggled to make sense of what had happened to him.
Alarming Behavior
As time passed, Joe saw changes in his mother’s behavior. She had once been loving and nurturing; now, she had become cold and possessive. Joe’s mother began to scare him into staying close to her, describing in detail accounts of the murder and rape that happened outside their home, where she couldn’t protect him.
Isolation
Years went by and Joe’s mother began dating again. She started discussing inappropriate details of her intimate life with Joe, who was only a young boy. As he grew older, Joe’s mother continuously accused him of being gay. It reached the point where Joe’s best friend wasn’t allowed to sleepover at their house. Joe soon became isolated from everyone besides his mother.
Hell to Pay
She ruined his relationships, convincing Joe his friends were drug addicts and talking badly about him behind his back. Day after day, Joe’s mother made sure he knew: if he crossed her, he would have hell to pay. On multiple occasions, her cruelty had brought Joe to tears. When she saw him weeping, she would ask, “If you didn’t do anything, then why are you crying?” Soon, Joe had no one left to turn to.
His Grandmother’s Idea
When Joe finally gathered the courage to ask his mother about the day they had run away, she revealed to him that Joe’s grandmother was the one who proposed the idea. She was suspicious of Joe’s father and thought it best if Joe’s mother removed him from the situation. It wasn’t until decades last that Joe would learn the truth about what had really transpired between himself and his father…
Seeing the Red Flags
The older Joe got, the more absurd and irrational stories about Joe’s father become. Joe had grown terrified of his mother, but he idolized her for saving him from the wrath of his father. It was only when Joe went to college that he realized that their relationship was far from normal.
A New Perspective
Being separated from his mother was eye-opening: he could see her manipulative tendencies, her cruelness. He began to attend therapy in an effort to unpack his feelings and help him create much-needed distance between himself and his mother, who his therapist believed was severely ill. Eventually, Joe met his wife, and the two almost cut off contact with her completely…but not for long.
Don’t Do It
Joe’s mother was diagnosed with cancer when he was in his mid-20s. She lived to see the birth of Joe’s son. Four months later, she passed away. Her last wish: that Joe was never, ever to contact his biological father.
Buried Secrets
Soon after Joe’s mother’s death, his grandmother died, and the secrets of Joe’s past lay buried with them. Joe thought he was alone in the world…until reasons beyond his control forced him to contact his father for the first time in almost 30 years.
Feeling Unwell
When Joe’s mother was alive, it had never occurred to him to question her version of reality. Following his mother and grandmother’s deaths, Joe began to suffer from serious health problems. He went to the doctor to find out what was happening to him.
A Difficult Decision
After several tests and no diagnosis, Joe’s doctor advised him to contact his father for a comprehensive health history on his dad’s side. Joe was suddenly faced with a choice: potentially letting his illness get worse, or reaching out to his father.
Heard of Me?
Joe had no way of contacting his father. After scouring the Internet, Joe found his new wife’s contact information. He sent her an email, unsure how to introduce himself: “I don’t know if you’ve heard of me…” he wrote. But Joe was far from prepared for her response.
Thirty-Three Years in the Making
His father’s wife said she’d been hearing about him for 33 years. She kept a diary of all the presents they had bought and sent, which Joe’s mother had thrown away without telling anyone. The rest of her email described the therapy sessions in which Joe’s dad had discussed seeking legal recourse to get partial custody of his son. In the end, his father decided to let Joe choose whether or not he wanted to hear his side of the story. Joe was overwhelmed, but still, he took down his father’s address.
Overcoming Barriers
Joe decided to write his father a letter. However, he wanted to maintain boundaries. In the letter, Joe asked his father to fill out the attached health history form, afterward clarifying that he in no way wanted a relationship and urged his dad not to take this as an invitation. Days later, Joe received a reply.
Crossing the Line
Joe’s father filled out the form, but otherwise did everything but follow instructions. He sent his son a 7-page typed document detailing everything Joe never knew.
The Letter
The letter described how he met Joe’s mother, their courtship and subsequent relationship, how she left him, and the aftermath. As soon as Joe opened the envelope, he became overwhelmed with fear and emotion. Nauseous, hands shaking, Joe tucked the letter away in a file, where it would remain for the next four years.
Four Years Later
As time went by, Joe soon forgot about the letter. He was a father and a husband, which made it easy to distract himself from his turbulent past. One day, while Joe was cleaning out the filing cabinet, he came across the letter he had stowed there four years ago.
Part of a Pattern
Joe’s father had written an account of his relationship with Joe’s mother, and their accounts were disturbingly similar. She, too, had accused his father of being gay, refusing to let him spend time with his childhood best friend. She had accused him of cheating on her with men and women. She had accused him of being on drugs. All these stories rang true for Joe, who had undergone similar experiences during his time spent living with his mother. The letter went on and on…
The Phrase That Changed Everything
Joe’s father described his mother’s increasingly paranoid behavior, her manic tendencies, her violent outbursts. At one point, her accusations had brought Joe’s father to tears. All she said when she saw him crying was, “If you didn’t do anything, then why are you crying?” That’s when Joe knew that he had to start asking questions.
Putting It Together
Joe contacted his mother’s sisters, both of whom he hadn’t had seen or heard from in years. He began to compare their versions of events with his own, trying to piece together the truth.
Not as Simple as It Seemed
Joe wasn’t ready to speak to his dad directly, but it quickly became clear that Joe’s mother had been suffering from some sort of mental illness that had doctored her perception of reality…
The Time Had Come
His aunt told him when she had asked Joe’s mother if his father was going to be allowed to see him ever again, she had said, “No, mom and I took care of it.” Joe knew it was finally time to reach out to his father.
Apologizing for the Past
At first, Joe never even expected to hear from his father, much less actually get along with him. Joe’s father told him he had always hoped Joe would reach out to him. He explained to Joe that if he hadn’t been in the hospital, he never would have allowed Joe’s mother to steal him away.
Fighting the Demons Inside
Joe’s parents young at the time, and after his father came back to find them both gone, he had no idea what to do. He had been subjected to so much emotional abuse by Joe’s mother that he felt like maybe he really deserved what was happening to him.
The Most Difficult Choice
While Joe was struggling to survive in the same house as his mother, Joe’s father began attending regular therapy, where he learned she most likely had Borderline Personality Disorder. He even sought the advice of a lawyer, but he was told that filing for joint custody would be an absolute nightmare for both himself and his son. The lawyer asked Joe’s father, “Do you really want to do that to him?”
Taking it Slow
When Joe finally met his father for the first time, it was 33 years after he had last seen him. They were both shocked to find that they looked nearly identical. Soon, the men learned they shared an endless number of behaviors in common…
Spitting Image
Both Joe and his Father were both artistic introverts. They suffered from insomnia. They loved action movies. They had the same sense of 13-year-old boy humor. They both had a gap between their front teeth and the same corneal defect. After so many years apart, Joe knew he had to be careful about letting his father back in, but this was certainly a start.
Seeking Answers
Joe was already enrolled in therapy, hoping to work through the conflicting emotions he had about his past. After analyzing Joe’s relationship with his mother, Joe’s therapist believed that his mother likely did indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder. As much as Joe had grown to resent her, he began trying to see her behavior as a product of mental illness rather than purely bad intentions.
One Day at a Time
Joe and his father were able to build a relationship together, spending Christmases and birthdays with one another. Joe even introduced him to his wife and kids. Looking back, Joe can still remember the good times he had with his mother. “She’s still my mom,” he said, “but she’s not terrifying anymore.”