Aren't you thankful that you were born in modern times? If you were around earlier, you would have been taping microphones to your head, smearing rose petals on your face, and plucking your hairline, all in the name of personal beauty.
Eyelash Plucking
One of the most bizarre and painful popular beauty practices was the continual removal of woman's eyelashes. For some reason, this beauty trend caught on and died off very quickly. That's probably because plucking your own eyelashes out is extremely painful and doesn't offer much nuance to one's appearance.
Showing Off Those Man Calves
Fellas, you might want to start taking notes here. Back in the middle ages, ladies used to think that men who had trim and muscular calves were the bee's knees. Wearing high-heeled shoes and tossing some padding into your stockings was a good way to fake them quickly.
Cheek Pinching
Makeup had some strange connotation back in the early 19th century. Ladies that wore makeup were considered "floozies" or "unbecoming" by men at the time. So, in order to appeal to the male gaze, women would pinch their cheeks just like this to lightly bruise them, bringing blood to the skin and giving off a "rosy" appearance.
Foot Binding
The modern food binding trend started with a dancer named Yao Niang who had tiny curved feet and performed a popular routine where she wore tiny shoes. In order to mimic Yao Niang's curved feet, women would break and tie their feet until they arched towards the heel. Ouch!
Tiny Smiles
There is a reason why the Mona Lisa has a small smile. Back in the Renaissance period, ladies with smaller mouths were considered more beautiful. That, and they typically smiled with their mouths closed because there was no formal dentistry.
Smelling Like Urine
Back in ancient Rome, it was common for men and women to rinse their mouths with urine once a day. They believed that urine made your teeth whiter and cleaner, which we find important to clarify that it doesn't. They also believed that Portuguese people had the "strongest" and most desirable urine for rinsing.
Extremely Long Fingernails
During the Qing Dynasty in China, women were encouraged to grow their nails up to 8-10 inches. This was a signal of wealth, because most of the individuals with super long nails had to wear gold nail guards to prevent them from breaking off, and they had their servants wait on them for everything. We're talking EVERYTHING. Imagine what you couldn't do if you had 10 inch long nails.
Wearing Corsets
Women of the past (and some in the present, although doctors advise that you do not try this) used to bind their waists super tight all day, every day. Corsets were supposed to give women a "desirable hourglass figure" while subsequently making breathing difficult and, in some cases, causing massive organ failure.
The Balding Look
Nowadays, people try to avoid balding at all costs. However, back in the day, women would pluck or shave their hairlines because men found that receding hairlines on women was attractive. This is present in a lot of renaissance paintings. Seriously.
The Vibrating Belt
This particular moment in history was chock full of lousy weight-loss devices. The 1950s were chock full of vibration themed weight loss machines that were intended to, quite literally, jiggle people into fitness. This did not work, but it was nice and relaxing.
The Vibrosaun
This device hasn't held up in modern science, but it's pretty wild looking back at it. Within the Vibrosaun, heat, steam, and vibrations are distributed all over the participant's (victim's?) body. A fan then pushed cool air into the face of the person who was stuck inside. This didn't do anything, but it was pretty weird!
The Micrometer
This may look like a medieval torture device, but this was actually used by cosmetologists to help people determine what location on their face needs the most makeup attention. None of these nails had points on them, and nobody got hurt using this, that we know of.
Hair Drying Cages
Unlike the modern incantation of the traditional hairdryer, each one of these prongs was charged with electricity and heated to a point that they could potentially burn the person's ears and hair. The current version of the hairdryer is much more accessible if you don't want to scorch your hair off.
Beauty Parlor Plastic Surgery
Plastic surgery used to be much more accessible than it is today. You used to be able to get lip fillers and dermal tattooing at the same place that you would go to get your hair and nails done. The individuals that used the devices were typically not certified or experienced enough to administer their effects.
Electrified
The minds behind the full-body defibrillator believed that one minute attached to this machine equaled "eight hours of hard exercise." This was wildly untrue, and it was also extremely dangerous. The electrical current that ran through the person's body was almost intense enough to stop someone's heart.
Microphoning
Uh... For some reason in the 1940s, people thought that attaching microphones to one's head would make someone's face more youthful and muscular. Yeah, we don't know how to explain this one either.
Figure Contests
Before wet t-shirt contests were a thing, women would participate in "figure competitions." These competitions were judged by men and the winner was deemed to have the "neatest figure." Women wore bags over their heads to conceal their identities.
Skin Ionization
This particular method might seem terrifying, but it's still conducted today. This device is called an electric cathiodermie machine, it creates a low electrical current that can help improve circulation in one's face, giving a more youthful look.
Facial Buffing
This automated service would literally buff a person's face like a human car wash machine. Sometimes this would go horribly wrong. That's why people just clean their faces with devices that they can hold nowadays.
Electrical Treatments
Back in the 1930s, ladies would get their eyebrows zapped off with an electrical stylus. This process is similar to today's laser hair removal treatments, just a bit less refined.
Painted On Pantihose
Back during WWII, women weren't able to purchase pantihose due to nylon rationing. So, ladies got together and they literally painted the pantihose onto their legs with the help of some good friends. This trend actually continued until long after WWII ended.
Bright Blue Veins
Back in the day, Victorian ladies used to pride themselves on having the veiniest... cleavage? Yes, Victorian women used to try to get as pale as humanly possible to make their veins pop, and if that didn't work, they would just draw them on with blue markers.
Using Arsenic as a Skincare Product
Arsenic is rat poison, but for some reason, women used to ingest arsenic to make them look paler. That, and it would kill them from time to time. Do not do this, please.
Public Plucking
Native Americans used to have a different way to go about waxing their private parts. There was a community ritual where men and women would stand naked in front of a crowd and pluck all of the hair off of their body between their thighs and belly button. That definitely did not feel good.
Tooth Studding
Tooth-studding later adapted into temporary tooth studs, also known as "grills." But, the original tooth studs were actually drilled and implanted into perfectly good teeth. Sometimes they would fall out and expose the nerve that runs down the middle of your tooth—how fun!
Color Changing Eyebrows
Stylists largely advise against dying one's eyebrows due to the potential harm of getting those harsh chemicals so close to one's eyes. But, in ancient China, women would cover their eyebrows with blue and green colored grease. A lot of the time, this liquid was actually flammable, and it would irritate the lady's eyes.
Black Teeth
Ohaguro was the practice of dying one's teeth black with a drink made of iron, cinnamon, and different dark spices. This was extremely popular in Japan in the late 1800s-1900s. Even though this looks strange and grim, the cocktail actually protected people's teeth from rot.
Victorian Piercings
Men getting their genitals pierced was a popular practice in the Victorian-era. Have you ever heard of a "Prince Albert"? Yeah, that was Queen Victoria's husband.
The S-Bend Corset
This corset was invented after people realized that the standard corset posed deadly health risks. The s-bend corset pushed women's hips backward instead of cinching their waists in tight, which made them appear that they were nearly falling over. However, over time, these corsets also caused massive amounts of pain and lifelong medical problems to the women who put them on.
Skull Shaping
The Mayan people, as well as numerous other tribes around the world, would bind the heads of babies to give them "aesthetically pleasing" skull shapes. This particular person had a wooden board bound to their forehead, causing the top of their head to flatten out. Believe it or not, these alterations did not actually change a person's brain functionality.
Going Brunette
Hair dye was around for much longer than one would think. Women would soak roots and nuts in hot water and then leave their hair in it for hours to achieve a darker shade of brown. This was particularly easy for people in the middle ages to maintain because nobody showered!
Being Blonde
An extremely important female trend of victorian times was the dyeing of blonde hair. People believed that angels possessed blond hair, and people who were blonde were considered closer to God. So, people synthesized their own chemicals to attempt to dye their hair blonde. Most of the time, it didn't work.
The Rose of Lily
Before pigments were synthesized, in ancient times, ladies used flowers and roots to make lipstick and blush. The upper-class systems had access to the finest powdered ingredients, while the lower classes had to forage for their own cosmetics.
Dressing for Death
Death was a big part of life in the Middle Ages. People were deeply concerned with making their own deaths as beautiful and peaceful as possible. If a person would suspect that they were in their final moments, they would toss on their nicest clothes and makeup to look fit for the occasion.
Rodent Eyebrows
If a lady got tired of having eyebrows, she was encouraged to pluck them off in Victorian times. If a person plucks their eyebrows and eyelashes consistently for years, they will just stop growing back. So, to combat that, medieval ladies would just shave rodents and harvest their hair to glue back to their faces.
Showing Off the Forehead
Medieval women thought that their foreheads were the greatest attraction of tier faces. Lots of them used makeup and plucking to make their foreheads look like large moon-like ovals. For some reason, medieval men used to go crazy over this look.
Eyelash Stenciling
Before pigments were synthesized, in ancient times, ladies used flowers and roots to make lipstick and blush. The upper-class systems had access to the finest powdered ingredients, while the lower classes had to forage for their own cosmetics.
The Roadside Beauty Parlor
Death was a big part of life in the Middle Ages. People were deeply concerned with making their own deaths as beautiful and peaceful as possible. If a person would suspect that they were in their final moments, they would toss on their nicest clothes and makeup to look fit for the occasion.
Contour
Contour has existed for over 500 years, despite seeming like a fairly modern fad. The cosmetic entrepreneur Helena Rubinstein made contouring a popular concept in 1935 because she wanted to sell different colors of foundation.
The Shower Hood
This invention became obsolete because of the accessibility of the shower cap, but we think that the shower hood should come back. Seriously, if you're someone who doesn't need or want to wash your hair daily, this invention is for you.
Sunlight Therapy
Although this is a cosmetic procedure in this photo, doctors recommend that normal people do this if they work indoors during the time of the year where the sun doesn't shine as much as other times. It was originally used in the mainstream to treat tuberculosis, which never worked.
The Finn Sauna
People in Finland love their saunas. They love them so much that they created a country-exclusive patent for a mobile sauna called the Finn Sauna. Different versions of this device moved around the world, but this one is really the only one that 20th-century sauna enthusiasts stuck with.
Milk Salves
People used to think that milk had the same blemish clearing properties that something like salicylic acid had. It doesn't. But that doesn't change the fact that virtually every American woman was sold the milk salve treatment in the early 20th century!
Ridding of Birthmarks
In medieval times, birthmarks and moles were associated with witchcraft. People came up with varieties of blemish removing methods, like burning, cutting, and tearing skin protrusions off. Oh, there were some herbal remedies too.
"Health" Salons
Basically, health salons were just hair salons that had a bunch of bizarre machinery in them that would stay open late to accommodate the professional female lifestyle. There were tons of saunas, usually, they had restaurants, stylists, and bars as well.
The Steam Box
Steam boxes were just practical saunas that people could crank up even higher because they could stick their heads out the top to breathe the fresh air. They were also called Roosevelt Baths, and they were sponsored by the U.S. Government in 1938.
Strange Exercise Machines
History is rife with useless, dangerous, and sometimes threatening exercise machines. This device here was supposed to stimulate the user's abs while they didn't have to do virtually anything to make that happen. This product was taken off the market when people started sustaining wild injuries from it.
Beauty Trends, Meet Cultural Trends
You know, there are a finite amount of beauty trends, but they all circle back into strange cultural trends that complete the loop. Here are the cultural trends that led to many a beauty trend back in the day...
Really Messy Divorce
In early Germany, the most popular way to resolve marital disputes was trial by combat. Typically, the couple would enter a ring and fight one another to the death. Well, sometimes they killed one another. Most of the time one of them would stop punching when the other person stopped moving.
Animal Trials
Back in the day, animals used to be subject to the same laws that human beings were. So, if an animal broke an arbitrary law, they would be arrested, held, tried, and either convicted or exonerated of their crimes in the same courts that people sat in. Sometimes the animals would literally be hanged in the same trials that people would get hanged in.
Take a Look At Those Shoes!
Much like nowadays, rich people used to love showing off how wealthy they were by wearing fancy clothes. There was a period in European history where men wore long, pointed shoes. The people who had the longest shoes would typically be viewed as the wealthiest because they were able to purchase longer whalebones to prop up the toes of their shoes.
Shrovetide
The ancient English people were extremely serious about their favorite sport, Shrovetide football. This game was played in Derbyshire, England, and there were no restrictions on how many people could play the game at a time. Often times the matches would take over entire towns, and they would end in widespread violence and unrest.
Jesus was a Unicorn
The early bible was mistranslated originally. In the real version, Jesus was regularly compared to an ox. But, in the King James version, Jesus was compared to a unicorn. This became a common trend in artist communities back in the Victorian era.
All In Jest
Jesters were actually allowed to say whatever they wanted to the royal family. They were the only person in the entire kingdom, including the king's aids and family members, that was allowed to openly mock the king without repercussions. Jesters didn't just make kings laugh, they helped kings humble themselves and offered political advice when the going got tough.
Playing With Their Food
Royalty in medieval times loved playing with their food. They loved to combine different types of animals to make one cohesive meal. There was a dish called "helmeted cock," where a chef would sew a rooster to the top of a pig so it looked like it was riding the animal.
The Feast of Fools
As if this would happen today... The Feast of Fools was a single day in January where the upper and lower class in kingdoms would switch places. The lower class would have all the power and sleep in the homes of the upper class, and vice versa. Drinking, singing, partying, and feasting brought these two groups of people closer together and prevented some revolts.
Festival of the Ass
This was a day where a little girl would ride a donkey into the aisle of a church during service. The churchgoers would make donkey noises instead of saying "amen" when they finished their prayers. This lasted until the Protestants reformed their branch of Christianity, essentially sucking the fun and humanity out of the service.
Watching the Nasty Happen
Back in medieval times, families took weddings very seriously. That was the time where some people's sole purpose was to carry on their bloodline. When a wedding would commence between two people (usually they were young and arranged in marriage), the family would enter their chambers to make sure that they consummated the marriage.
The Most Extravagant Quilts
Quilting was quite popular in medieval times. Families would tell their whole lineage through a series of quilt patches that were suited with different colors and patterns to signify different moments in their lives. This was not just reserved for the affluent communities, as poorer individuals partook in these activities as well.
Curing Disease With a Single Touch
As if it were that simple. Back during the first wave of tuberculosis (which used to manifest as black sores that would ooze blood and pus on a person's neck), people believed that it could be cured through touch from a member of the royal family. That was not an effective cure.
Nudity Was Terrifying
The church wanted people to remain prude. In fear that members of communities would engage in premarital sex if they saw themselves naked, people were encouraged to not bathe to keep their chastity intact. Women would hide potpourri in their bosoms, and men would pad their stockings with flowers and grass clippings to mask the stench of nasty human body odor.
The Cat's Away, The Rats Will Play
In the beginning stages of the bubonic plague in Europe, the pope believed that the disease was caused by witchcraft practiced by... cats. So, all the cats were slain in England. Then, since the cats were dead, the rats ran free and infected hundreds of thousands of people with an incurable disease.
The Pope's Grudge
Popes generally didn't like each other very much when they left "the office" (meaning that they died). So, in one famous moment, a pope ordered the previous pope's body to be dug up. He then cut off the former pope's middle finger and forced that finger to stand trial for "crimes against Christianity." Naturally, the living pope won the battle, and the former pope's body was thrown into the Tiber river.
Cemetary Party!!
Cemeteries used to serve as town halls, and they hosted events like elections, trials, and even plays. Sex workers frequented cemeteries to pick up mourning single individuals. People would escape the town and head for the cemetery for a good time when the ale ran out at the tavern.
Catatonia
Frequently, in medieval times, people would drop into a coma for seemingly no reason. Typically, it was either because of infection, food poisoning, dehydration, malnutrition, overworking, illness, or one of the other human problems that ran rampant before people figured out how their bodies worked. Sometimes people would wake up, other times they didn't, it was usually a tossup.