If you’ve ever seen any of these Z-list movies, it’s understandable if you’ve never seen a film since..
“Evidence” (2013)
A classic example of found-footage that just isn’t used right. This one might be the most shoddy, thrown-together flicks in a long time.
“Rollerball” (2002)
This is one of those movies where the plot goes in circles but seems to somehow get worse and worse as everything progresses. It doesn’t even matter what the bad guy wants. If there are Battle Bots, I just wanna see ’em.
“Glitter” (2001)
Mariah Carey’s feature film debut should have ended here… a seemingly plotless love story about a city girl overcoming a turbulent childhood blah blah blah…
“Cabin Fever” (2016)
It’s been done before. A bunch of teens camp in the woods while also battling a flesh-eating virus and also making out a little.
“Miss March” (2009)
On the night Cindi and Eugene are finally gonna go all the way, he hits his head and falls into a coma and dreams Cindi is actually a centerfold Playboy Model. That’s pretty much it.
“Mixed Nuts” (1994)
A self-proclaimed “screwball comedy” about a soon-to-be evicted suicide hotline office and two employees who appear to fall in love. It tries painfully hard to be funny and falls way too short.
“Kung Pow: Enter the Fist” (2002)
As far as karate spoofs go, this one is probably the all-time worst. It contains enough laughs for a 3 minute spoof, but that’s all, says The New York Post.
“Cannonball Run II” (1984)
This is one of those movies where you watch it and you’re like, “Burt Reynolds is having a great time. Why aren’t I?” I don’t know, man. I don’t know.
“Is That A Gun In Your Pocket?” (2016)
A stay-at-home mom convinces the women of her town to withhold sex from their husbands and boyfriends until their town is free of guns. Think that’ll work on the GOP?
“The In Crowd” (2000)
Fresh out of the psych ward, a young, beautiful, impressionable woman is drawn into the elite “in crowd,” and you can imagine exactly how that goes.
“Fascination” (2005)
So his father died, her mother died, and somehow they also fall in love while speculating over the suspicious circumstances of their parents’ remarriages.
“What Love Is” (2008)
Basically just a lot of overdone clichés about men and women and relationships and drama, fueled by male ego and adrenaline. Pass.
“Freddie Got Fingered” (2001)
“Unprofessional.”
“The Master of Disguise” (2002)
With a whopping 1% from Rotten Tomatoes, this movie is guaranteed to be a disaster. Pistachio Disguisey has – you guessed it – a knack for mimicry. And that’s it. That’s the film.
“New Best Friend” (2002)
Typical story of girl on the outside wants in, except this time she ends up in the hospital when her plan goes all wrong. Yawn.
“Don Peyote” (2014)
A film about conspiracy theories, counterculture, and societal norms sounds intriguing, but it’s just… not.
“Transylmania” (2009)
I don’t know how a group of college students could have overlooked the fact that their semester abroad in a Romanian castle was infested with vampires.
“Scary Movie 5” (2013)
“Scary Movie V murdered my capacity to feel joy,” says Village Voice. Sounds about right.
“The Emoji Movie” (2017)
This movie makes the Angry Birds movie look like a Scorsese masterpiece.
“From Justin To Kelly” (2003)
The best film review you’ll read all year: “It’s like ‘Grease: The Next Generation’ acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld,” says Entertainment Weekly. I stan that.
“King’s Ransom” (2005)
This movie has everything you need: generic hip-hop soundtrack, aerial stock footage, homophobia and misogyny, big ole white dude. There’s something for everyone (she said with heavy sarcasm).
“The Adventures of Pluto Nash” (2002)
I honestly don’t see what’s so wrong about this movie. Eddie Murphy is a night club owner on the moon in the year 2087, and the drama stems from his refusal to sell the club to the local moon mob. Sounds like a good time to me??
“Nine Lives” (2016)
Remember The Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen? This is it, but with cats.
“Some Kind of Beautiful” (2014)
Salma Hayek falls in love with a hot professor, Pierce Brosnan, who already had a baby with her younger sister, Jessica Alba. WHAT could go WRONG.
“The Omega Code” (1994)
Ancient codes hidden within the Torah reveal the secrets of global events, past, present, and future. The dramatics? Not believable.
“Septic Man” (2016)
A septic worker just trying to do his civic duty and uncover the mystery behind his town’s water contamination crisis ends up trapped in the sewers and undergoes a horrific transformation. I feel like under literally any circumstances this maybe could have worked.
“A Little Bit Of Heaven” (2012)
Ouch. An actual review: “There is nothing the slightest bit heavenly about this project, which is wrong-headed in just about every department.”
“Cocktail” (1988)
Tom Cruise plays a wannabe corporate exec, but realizes he needs a marketing degree first. He picks up a bartending gig to pay for school, as most do, until he has a falling out with his boss and decides to move to Jamaica to open his own bar. He also falls in love with an enchanting artist girl. That’s too idyllic to be believable, Tom!
“Down To You” (2000)
For whatever reason, Julia Stiles and Freddie Prinze Jr. fall in love INSTANTLY, but a ravenous porn star played by Selma Blair threatens to pull the young lovers apart. Uhhhh okay.
“Slackers” (2002)
Any movie that describes Jason Segel’s character as having earned a degree WITH HONORS in lying, cheating, and scheming from a made up college already has a whole list of problems attached to it.
“Pinocchio” (2002)
Imagine every nightmare you’ve ever had. I get that Disney live action remakes are IN now, but we did not need this horrific grown-man version of Pinocchio in 2002. And we don’t need a remake now, DO YOU HEAR ME, DISNEY?
“Persecuted” (2014)
An attempted political thriller with less pizazz than the current Dem debates. This is less of an action movie and more of a redemptive narrative for the far right. It falls very short.
“Whipped” (2000)
All the guys want one girl – who will prevail? My guess is none. It is generally “ugly and unpleasant.”
“Among Ravens” (2014)
A group of friends reunite for a holiday a weekend, but their vacation goes amiss when they encounter a strange nature photographer, who – weirdly – bonds with the couple’s daughter.
“Fair Game” (1995)
This is supposed to be a thriller but the overly-sexualized protagonist takes away any sense of plot, on purpose, says Entertainment Weekly.
“Saturn 3” (1980)
Two space station dwellers are menaced by a scientist and a dismantled robot. The screenplay is dumb and the jokes are lame. There’s not much else here, really. Space is overrated.
“Nothing Left To Fear” (2013)
The Dissolve did not like this one. A “stale B-movie” full of “rubbish” and “barely watchable” scenes. It won’t scare you, don’t even bother.
“Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan” (1989)
I guess my only question is, how did he get there? What’s he doing? Did he at least see a Broadway show or check out a museum? What is the motivation here?
“Left Behind” (2014)
Nicolas Cage… you can do better than a “Sharknado-quality” remake of a Kirk Cameron movie. I mean, come on. And Chad Michael Murray?? What are you doing? Raise your standards, people.
“Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers” (1995)
With every addition to the Halloween franchise, we stray further and further from God’s light. This one includes: satanic rituals, farm implements, and a shock-jock JOCK.
“Battlefield Earth” (2000)
An attempted intergalactic fight to the death between a new species of human-alien hybrids has been deemed “the worst film of its kind.”
“Dungeons and Dragons” (2000)
The Washington Post poetically said, “Stinketh like the breath of a dyspeptic dragon.” Looks about right.
“Alone in the Dark” (2005)
Detective Christian Slater uncovers a tribe of demon-worshipping natives, and his psyche is messed with upon delving further into their weird practices. That, paired with working closely alongside his old flame, makes for a messy situation.
“Mortal Kombat: Annihilation” (1997)
L.A. Weekly kindly described this movie as “cynical and depressing. I’d lock a child in a room before I’d show him ‘Mortal Kombat.'”
“Daddy Day Camp” (2007)
You can’t just fill in for Eddie Murphy. You just can’t. And you shouldn’t try.
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” (2015)
Even though the first movie was arguably okay, the second one just fell so short. “Painfully unfunny” and “relentlessly obnoxious” are just two ways The Hollywood Reporter described PBMC2.
“Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star” (2011)
Loser Bucky finds out that his conservative parents were once porn stars, so he decides he needs to head to Hollywood to live out his destiny. Unfortunately, he is terribly underqualified for the adult movie industry. Also, the movie is directed by a Tom Brady, but not, like, that Tom Brady.
“Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2” (2004)
“So bad that I predict there will be drinking games set around viewing it someday.” I bet there are already are, pal.
“Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood” (1998)
The Chicago Tribune prays Jason comes up with the most ridiculous weapon of all to finally obliterate the series as a whole.
“The Mangler” (1995)
Stephen King doesn’t acknowledge the fact that this monstrosity is based off one of his stories. A bloodthirsty demonic piece of machinery literally – shocker – mangles people who cross its path.
“Atlas Shrugged III: Who Is John Galt?” (2014)
A movie take on Ayn Rand’s novel “Atlas Shrugged” attempts to delve into the world’ growing energy crisis. While the overall idea is good, and Rand is a genius, the silver screen didn’t do it any justice and could have probably stopped after part 1.
“Strange Wilderness” (2008)
This lame movie with a great cast follows an unsuccessful wildlife television show host. When his program is threatened with cancellation, this no-nothing crew of stoners and idiots realize there’s only one creature who can rack up the views: Bigfoot. In hindsight…. I see their point.
“State Property” (2002)
When a lowly gangster butts heads with the notorious Untouchable J – played by none other than Jay Z – you know it’s goin down.
“3 Strikes” (2000)
The government has enacted a new “3 strikes” policy for criminals on parole, and of course our protagonist is out walking the streets with 2 strikes to his name already. Hopeful to redeem himself, he of course finds himself in sticky, strike-inducing situations.
“Date Movie” (2006)
The “anything that can go wrong, will” rom-com. Julia falls for a cute brit, Grant Fonkyerdoder, and does her best to woo him despite the efforts of her jealous and typically beautiful bff, Andy.
“Meet The Spartans” (2008)
A spoof of literally every Spartan movie, this film is full of celebrity lookalikes (on purpose) and really, really badly staged fight scenes.
“The Tortured” (2010)
A mother’s revenge is taken too far in this one. Stricken with grief, two parents plan to kidnap their child’s murderer in order to get revenge on the serial killer. In reality, the film just goes in circles and is completely unrealistic.
“Dirty Love” (2005)
A ditzy breakup movie that reveals true love was right in front of her all along – despite some certifiably crazy dates along the way. This movie is not going on my to-watch list when I’m having relationship drama.
“Caddyshack 2” (1988)
The original Caddyshack is great, really. But it didn’t require a follow up. The jokes are sub-par (maybe even bogey-level) and the cast is too good to dignify any more insults about this movie.
“National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers” (2004)
(Drake and Josh did this first). But also, two broke losers try to swindle two rich old women and it just doesn’t go as planned, because, why would it?