Cannonball Run II (1984)
Cannonball Run II is one of those movies where you’re watching it and thinking, “Why is Burt Reynolds having a great time, but I’m not?” One of the great mysteries of the world.
Is That a Gun in Your Pocket? (2016)
Is That a Gun in Your Pocket? is about a stay-at-home mom who convinces the women in her town to withhold sex from their partners until the town’s guns have been confiscated. In a shocking turn of events, the person who wrote and directed this movie is—you guessed it—a white guy.
Miss March (2009)
This is one of those classic mid-aughts movies that would be entirely dismissed nowadays. Cindi and Eugene are supposed to go all the way on one special night when he hits his head and slips into a coma. He dreams Cindi is actually a centerfold Playboy Model. That’s… that’s it. That’s the whole movie.
Cabin Fever (2016)
Movies like Cabin Fever have been done time and time again. A group of teenagers go camping in the woods, fight off a flesh-eating virus, and kiss a little bit.
Glitter (2001)
It seems like Mariah Carey should have stepped aside from acting after this one. Glitter is another boring, lifeless love story about a girl from the city who overcomes her rough childhood. Blah, blah, blah…
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
When it comes to terribly karate parodies, this one takes the cake. The New York Post agrees that Kung Pow: Enter the Fist offers enough laughs for a 3-minute spoof, but the comedy ends there.
Mixed Nuts (1994)
Even though Mixed Nuts markets itself as a “screwball comedy,” it falls tragically short on laughs. The film is about suicide hotline office on the edge of eviction and two of its employees who fall in love.
The In Crowd (2000)
A gorgeous and impressionable young woman becomes inveigled into the elite “in crowd.” The catch? She’s fresh out of the psych ward. You can guess how this one goes.
What Love Is (2008)
Want some trite cliches about toxic masculinity, relationships between men and women, and a whole lot of pointless drama? Consider giving What Love Is a try.
Fascination (2005)
In the midst of ruminating upon the suspicious circumstances of their parents’ remarriages, these two bond over the death of his father and her mother. They also fall in love.
New Best Friend (2002)
This trope has been played out one million times. A girl on the outside wants to know what it’s like on the inside. Gasp! But this time, her plan lands her in the hospital. Hold onto your seats, folks.
Freddie Got Fingered (2001)
This… yeah. You read the title and see the accompanying photograph. There’s nothing else to say. Figure it out.
Master of Disguise (2002)
A man named Pistachio Disguisey is good at—you guessed it—disguising himself. Master of Disguise earned a whole 1% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Don Peyote (2014)
The premise may sound enticing—conspiracy theories, counterculture, and upending societal norms—but it really, really isn’t.
Scary Movie 5 (2013)
The Village Voice wrote: “Scary Movie 5 murdered my capacity to feel joy.” Seems correct.
The Emoji Movie (2017)
The Emoji Movie makes the Angry Birds Movie look like it was directed by Steven Spielberg.
Transylmania
A slight oversight occurs when a group of hot young college students on a semester abroad finds out their Romanian castle is actually infested with vampires.
From Justin to Kelly
Entertainment Weekly says it best: “It’s like ‘Grease: The Next Generation’ acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.”
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
This movie was so heinous that Eddie Murphy has denounced it from his acting career. Personally, the idea of Eddie Murphy owning a night club on the moon in 2087 sounds pretty sick, but that might just be a matter of preference.
Evidence (2013)
Evidence is a classic example of found footage gone wrong. This poor excuse for a movie truly seems like it was thrown together in a matter of hours.
King’s Ransom (2005)
From homophobia to misogyny to aerial stock footage set against a hip-hop soundtrack, King’s Ransom truly has it all.
Rollerball (2002)
Rollerball is one of those movies where nothing happens, and yet everything continues to get worse. By the end of the film, you don’t really care what the bad guy wants. People just came to see Battle Bots. Ask, and ye shall receive.
Nine Lives (2016)
Remember when Tim Allen starred in that movie The Shaggy Dog? That’s Nine Lives, but with cats.
Slackers (2002)
Jason Segel earns a college degree, but he gets his hands dirty in the process. The least believable part of this movie? He graduates with honors.
Septic Man (2016)
A septic worker undergoes a terrifying transformation while attempting to uncover the secrets behind his town’s water contamination crisis. Why? Just… why?
Some Kind of Beautiful (2014)
Salma Hayek falls for a sexy professor, aptly played by Pierce Brosnan, except Brosnan is raising a baby with Jessica Alba, who plays Hayek’s younger sister. What could possibly go wrong?
Pinocchio (2002)
Nightmare fuel. That’s what this is. Nobody wanted a live-action rendition of Pinocchio, especially if he was a grown adult man. Nobody.
A Little Bit of Heaven (2012)
The most accurate review of A Little Bit of Heaven was this one: “There is nothing the slightest bit heavenly about this project, which is wrong-headed in just about every department.” Not even Peter Dinklage could rescue this one from its fate.
The Omega Code (1994)
In which the dark secrets of global events—past, present, and future—are hidden codes within the Torah. Unbelievably dramatic.
Cocktail (1988)
Tom Cruise plays a wannabe corporate executive who moves to Jamaica who opens his own bar after falling out with his boss. He then falls in love with a beautiful artist, who is thankfully not Nicole Kidman.
Persecuted (2014)
This lifeless political thriller is not so much an action movie as a redemption narrative for the far right.
Among Ravens (2014)
A friend group reunites for a holiday weekend away, but their vacation goes awry when they meet a nature photographer who takes a weird interest in the couple’s daughter.
Down to You (2000)
Julia Stiles and Freddie Prinze Jr. share a bizarre yet undeniable immediate chemistry, but a pornstar played by Selma Blair threatens to destroy their love.
Fair Game (1995)
Fair Game is meant to be a thriller, but the plot is overshadowed by a hypersexualized protagonist.
Whipped (2000)
What happens when all the guys have their eye on one lucky (well, sort of) lady? The answer is general unpleasantness.
Left Behind (2014)
Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray—yes, you read that correctly—star in this “Sharknado-quality” Kirk Cameron remake.
Saturn 3 (1980)
A scientist and a partially-dismantled robot terrorize two people on a space station. The writing sucks and the jokes are bad. That’s all there is to it.
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers (1995)
Each addition to the Halloween franchise has taken 50 years off everyone’s lives. For instance, this one is jam-packed with fun things like farm sacrifices, satanic rituals, and a jock who’s quite the shock-jock.
Nothing Left to Fear (2013)
This movie was torn apart by The Dissolve, who called it a “stale B-movie” rife with “rubbish” and “barely watchable” acting. If you’re looking to be scared, steer clear of this one. There really is nothing left to fear.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Deemed “the worst film of its kind,” Battlefield Earth attempts to document the intergalactic war between a new species of human-alien hybrids. Plus, John Travolta’s in it.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Christian Slater plays a detective whose psyche begins to unravel after uncovering a tribe of demon worshippers.
Friday the 13 Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
This movie would have been worth watching if Jason was walking around the Guggenheim in a hockey mask. Otherwise, don’t bother.
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
L.A. Weekly generously described this movie as “cynical and depressing. I’d lock a child in a room before I’d show him ‘Mortal Kombat.'”
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop never needed a sequel. That doesn’t seem like a sentiment that needs to be expressed, but apparently, it is. The Hollywood Reporter described the movie as “painfully unfunny” and “relentlessly obnoxious.”
Daddy Day Camp (2007)
Daddy Day Camp proves it’s impossible to replicate Eddie Murphy’s presence. Don’t even try.
Strange Wilderness (2008)
When a failing wildlife show is threatened to be kicked off the air, its host and his crew of idiot stoners realize only one creature can rack up the views needed to save the program: Bigfoot.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011)
Once Bucky Larson finds out that his reserved parents were once pornstars, he sets off for Hollywood to live out his destiny. However, he doesn’t stand a chance in the adult entertainment industry. Also, this movie is directed by Tom Brady, but not the one you care about.
National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers (2004)
Two broke idiots try to swindle a pair of rich old ladies. It doesn’t go well for them.
Dungeons and Dragons (2000)
The Washington Post got it right this time: “Stinketh like the breath of a dyspeptic dragon.” Truer words have never been spoken.
State Property (2002)
When a lowly gangster goes up against the notorious Untouchable J, played (obviously) by Jay Z, you gotta know it’s going down.
Caddyshack 2 (1988)
The original Caddyshack is one of the best movies out there, but it never needed a sequel. The jokes tank and the cast is too sharp to dignify another insult about this film.
The Mangler (1995)
Even Stephen King won’t acknowledge The Mangler as being based off one of his stories. The movie features a bloodthirsty demon machine who mangles anyone in its path. Does the title give it away?
Date Movie (2006)
Julia goes up against her jealous and conventionally good-looking best friend, Andy, to win the affections of a Brit named Grant Fonkyerdoder. Yes, you read that right.
3 Strikes (2000)
A new “3 strikes” policy threatens criminals on parole, and the protagonist is out on the town with 2 strikes already. In a desperate attempt to redeem himself, he has to disentangle himself from a number of strike-worthy situations.
The Tortured (2010)
Two grief-stricken parents seek revenge on their child’s serial killer. While the premise can stand on its own, the plot circles around endlessly.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
One critic said this movie was “so bad that I predict there will be drinking games set around viewing it someday.” There already are, probably.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1998)
What will it take for Jason to finally kill off this series?
Atlas Shrugged III: Who is John Galt? (2014)
In an attempt to explore the global energy crisis, this movie was a take on Ayn Rand’s novel Atlas Shrugged. Although the idea has legs, the movie didn’t do it justice, especially three parts deep.
Meet the Spartans (2008)
A parody of every Spartan movie to date, this trash spoof is brimming with celebrity lookalikes and awful staged fight scenes. On one hand, that’s the point, but on the other, what a waste of a film budget.
Dirty Love (2005)
True love was right in front of her all along! This ditzy breakup movie offers nothing to the genre at all.